waiting

so vacation was last week and i really needed it, but i should have used my time better!

i really like lists b/c they kind of organize my thoughts :)

1) TC: i loved getting to see people again, but i never feel like i get to hang out/heart-to-hearts with all the people i want to! serving on shep team was nice--it's so encouraging to see people wanting to meet with God. i wasn't quite "there" spiritually and had a bad attitude at some points and i reallyy regret that. it's like i didn't truly want God to speak to me. at prayse fire, i saw how broken we all really are. i also realized how i am really scared of being vulnerable/letting people see my weaknesses. in retrospect, i know i need to conquer my giants of gossip, inconsistency, and dishonesty. i also need to learn to seek God's face.

2) break: besides being a bum at home, i went to the movies, visited the revolving museum, and went to wrentham and natick. i also ate out too much tgif's, brew'd, bertucci's, outback, minado, and panera! it was nice hanging out w/ lyfers and tc kids :)

3) movies: i watched "he's just not that into you" (cute chickflick), "definitely, maybe" (super cute chickflick), and "fight club" (mm...too violent, but interesante plot!)

4)aim: so after sleeping at 3 and 5 am b/c of chatting on aim, i remember why i don't use it. haha i guess i have more control w/ gchat b/c less people use it?

5) video messaging: yeah...quite an influx of it on my part. i have to admit video messaging is fun/it's like your w/ the person, but not really. however, i apologize for pretty much being excessively on newsfeeds.

5) otra: so this week i definitely slacked with spending time w/ God, doing school/scholarship stuff, reading my magazines (time and reader's digest), cleaning, replying to messages promptly, and sleep. however, i did do taebo on friday :)

6) phones: water spilled in my bag, breaking my phone at tc. haha this is only the fourth time this has happened. verizon is being super kind and giving me another one even though i'm pretty sure my phone is off warranty. i have the phone and am waiting for the battery, but i kind of like not having a phone. i don't constantly look for texts and i guess i'm slowly reaching my amish ideal haha.

7) lent: i definitely need to "get back where it all began/when i would long for only You" (starfield :) i'm not sure what i'll give up, but i want to try my best to commit to spending an hour with God each morning. i'm thinking of giving up media (except the news)...part of me knows this is the best, but another part of me is like "i should maintain my relationships from tc" (even though not all those relationships are exactly uplifting.

8) back on track?: today was really good--i had enough sleep (i ended up falling asleep on a table after tutoring though haha), was responsive in euro, read 2 time's, did tae bo/ate healthily, spent real time with God(it was really refreshing--i don't know why i always forget that), truly prayed, cleaned a bit, replied to messages, and kind of applied for an internship! i hope this discipline lasts and i really should do homework!

9) tutoring: this activity will be dominating my life. haha i have to tutor mondays, tuesdays, thursdays, and fridays. i used to just tutor twice a week for school, but haha i kinda need 20 hrs of community service for NHS by april 1 so i'm tutoring for my middle school. then last week, my friend told me that the librarian's daughter needs math tutoring (yay for kumon experience...not really)

10) summer: so i planned to find a paid internship in boston and hang out with people before college all summer, but i don't know if that's going to happen b/c i don't know if my sister's connection will work out. haha my other option is to spend my whole summer in shanghai w/ my sister steph and learn chinese. i really want to do both, but ideally i'd want to do option a this summer and option b next.

new

so i've had my first notsogreat week in a while! mm i guess everyone needs one once and a while to appreciate when things are going well. nothing too dramatic, but just tension with my relationships with God, my mom, and others.

today, school was going really well and i got to hang out with my girls from middle school. we went to etsogo and i had REALLY good sushi and green tea ice cream. after that, my mom like flipped out at me and didn't want to bring me home (observation: don't drive angry...it's dangerous) so i spent an hour at marshall's haha... i didn't really mind it--i do like being alone at times. after that, my dad was going to pick me up and he told me to get flowers for my mom to try to make ammends. i go into market basket and my gigantic bag hits a potted plant. so the plant and soil is out of the pot, buut it still retains the shape. i try to put it back into the pot, but lol it keeps falling apart! there pretty much soil ALL over..i felt really bad.

mm i think i'm just really mentally/emotionally exhausted, but i am really excited for this weekend :) my mom's leaving for a missions trip (to trinidad and tobago in s. america) tomorrow and i think it's what we need--time and space to miss/appreciate/love one another again.

once again, bethany dillon has a song that speaks to my soul! if you watch the vid, enjoy the scenic pics... not the random girls haha.


and i do love garden state.

simple

ok i'm going to recap the past week! well i switched comps w/ dad and i like this one SO much better. i skipped school, had an amazingly relaxing day at brew'd awakening...and consequently got in-house. very special people had their bdays...attrace, christine, blair, and victoria! the weekend: i went to fun world (for the first time in like years), casa de lee (FINALLY), and boston (ice skated/met and reconnected with great people)! thenn this school week, i celebrated retro day (in in-house haha) andd cultural day by wearing a qi pao and watching all the nerdy asians play rock band, super smash bros., and DDR. thennnn i met peter's dog, princess and had a snow day :)

random thoughts:

1) my bag definitely is too stuffed! things fall out ALL the time haha like yogurt...then my dad ran it over and my driveway is partially purple.

2) i love genuine people, meaningful conversation, and simple things.

3) garden state is a strangely heart-warming movie with an amazing soundtrack :)

4) verse of the day: "but He said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness..." (2 corinthians 12:9)

5) sometimes i find myself in situations (like in-house) that i would have NEVER thought i'd be in haha. i definitely need wisdom from God :)

6) i've come to enjoy playing piano and reading the news from BBC

7) i love having 8 hours of sleep!

ah bethany dillon :)

nadiah hassan

       

so it came to my attention that miss nadiah reads my blog and so i've been inspired to post :) nadiah currently live in virginia and i miss her a ton! the bottom picture is the last time i saw her (with jack kerouac above us) -- when we went to the coffee mill! and the top picture is nadiah's romantic alley.

mm a little about my vacation, i went to toronto with my parents and i got to drive a few hours. i hate driving on longggg highways w/ trucks, i skidded once and drifted a few times. we stayed at my grandparents' house, which was an oven! i really appreciated getting a chance to help my grandma exercise with her walker because though i don't think she remembers who i am all the time, she seems happy. haha to be honest, growing up, my grandma was just a scary lady who made terrible food. my canto isn't the best so would never really talk to my grandparents, but i really regret that.

i also got to spend time w/ my favorite aunt (elaine)'s family. we had hot pot one night with them and her other side of the family. haha elaine's nephews both have white significant others. and omg one of then and his gf were so hippy. like vegetarians, vintage t's, and long wispy hair with bangs. i got to meet my cousin justin's gf too-- she's really sweet! when my sister flew from ny she mostly hung out with my little cousin joycelyn, while i "finished" my college apps. haha half the time i played microsoft hearts... but i did finish my college apps before school started again! on new year's, my family went to a chinese mall, where they were doing like a kungfu demonstration to wicked loud music. thennnn after, we went to congee wong and haha saw the year change through the time stamp on security camera monitors. on new year's, we walked thru a national park and surprisingly a lot of people were walking too! we stayed in syracuse one night and went to a really awesome church.

ok now it's 2009 and this year has been going well so far, except i truly have senioritis. i had a TON of resolutions and have been kinda keeping them up. but after nathan's sermon on sunday, i realized that i truly need to resolve to know Christ. i've been spending time with God everyday, but i definitely need to gain discipline and not to gossip...b/c i've been tearing others down.

over vacation i read "the alchemist" and it's truly a great book. i makes you think a lot about destiny and haha it's made me a bit paranoid about omens and i already over-analyze enough as it is. here's a nice quote from it:

"tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. and that no heart has ever suffered when i goes in search of its dreams, because every second's encounter with God and with eternity"



since vacation the crisis in graza has escaled- i can't believe over 1000 people have died. is a cause great than takinig the lives of others? it amazes me that only 13 israelis have died, while 1,155 palestinians have died. the other day, i say the bumper stickers behind this happy van with some true words of wisdom:

"when the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
- jimi hendrix

"an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"
- gandhi

i'm going to end with an acoustic vid from jenny and tyler- an adorable and talented married couple (i found them from a facebook ad that said "if you like bethany dillon and shane and shane. they're like young starving musicans--pursuing their dreams in nashville :)

heaven, kumon, and "a thousand splendid suns"

my weekend, so i pretty much had no contact with the outside world (real social interactions) until sunday. pastor mac's sermon was really great and made me excited for heaven. like i honestly don't know what i do if i wasn't a christian/had Jesus b/c life really can be hard and everyone eventually experiences pain and trials. then in sunday school, i learned how faith shouldn't be "blind" and that faith is more like trust. after sunday school was bertucci's and then avery's party :) it was really fun- i love lyfers! there was some climbing windows, building fires, playing WOW (vlee is an addict now), and dancing involved hahah.





so yesterday was my last day of work of kumon. i've been there for the past year and a half and it's been a major part of my life haha. ok to be honest, at times, i've hated it...my boss, jean can be REALLY demanding. at the beginning, i felt like i couldn't do anything right-there would always be something she would say like "why isn't ____'s work corrected" or "don't talk about non-work related items." i think when jean left over the summer and especially once i found out the center was closing, i began to appreciate her more and realize where she was coming from and the stress she experienced. anyways, i really love and am going to miss all the kids and staff. i definitely learned a lot from working there like how to function in a high-pressure/demanding environment and deal with difficult people and be "professional" haha. though i think kumon is a cult, i hope jean will be able to open it again in the future.

afterschool, i went to the little barnes and noble's in downtown lowell and started to read A Thousand Splendid Suns by khaled hosseini. i really like it so far-- i love how hosseini's ability to convey emotion. i got through the first part which tells about the life of mariam, who is the illegitimate child of a rich business man and a servant. i don't want to give too much of the story away, but her story is really tragic. though this book is fictional, it breaks my heart to hear about abuse parents inflict on their children because of their own pain, fears, and broken dreams. also, though i know things have changed, i hate reading about arranged marriages, which are only for the benefit of the husband. i read The Kite Runner last christmas and gosh that book made me cry so much. i like how both of these books give insight to middle east culture and the constant struggle and strife from these cultures- back in the day until now. so i need to get this book and finish it during christmas break!

ok i need to finish all my college stuff this week! i've been procrastinating SO much and now i'm being owned. i hope there's a snow day tmrw!


song of the day: "relax, take it easy"- mika (haha it reminds me of like cultish "zoolander")

tattoos

so i haven't blogged in a while, but it's a "freezing rain" day and i don't have school so i'm updating! i truly feel bad for those without electricity and whose trees are destroyed. so i didn't know that it was a "state of emergency" or that people were without electricity until like an hour ago...i just thought people weren't online b/c they were sleeping in. i've been able to do a lot of things i've been needing to do like cleaning, devotioning, praying, and replying to old emails and facebook messages. though i'm sad there's no lyf, i'm glad i have a day to catch up on all my homework and hopefully finish some college supplements.

thoughts from my week:

NHS induction was actually really nice :) i honestly will miss school people in college.

my friend henna got me all obsessed about tattoos b/c she's getting an ohm tattooed on her wrist during christmas break. and my friend maureen got a scorpio in the shape of an "M" below her collarbone. so in the past, i've wanted a jesus fish tattooed on my ankle, but not anymore b/c apparently it hurts pretty bad on your ankle as there's not much fat and i also think i want something a bit more elaborate. though i do think having too many tattoos looks trashy, after looking at some designs, i've decided i want to get a a small and black tribal sun on the back of my shoulder. my friend mikhaila are going to gets our tattoos together (she wants morning glory flowers along the side of her ribs and stomach) when we both turn 18!


i was reading an article online called "should christians get tattoos? it was really interesting- it wasn't biased, but presented both sides of the argument. so most people against tattoos (like my mother) believe the people explictly prohibits it. i.e.:"Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos. I am the Lord" -Leviticus 19:28. however the article continues to say that verses must be read in context. other verses in leviticus prohibit things like draining an animal's blood and trimming beards b/c they were specifically associated w/ pagan practices (while today they're not). they also addressed important questions to consider like why do you want a tattoo? will it glorify yourself or God? will it cause other people to fall?

so some reasons i want that sun tattoo is that well i'll get on my 18th birthday and after doing some research, i've learned suns can symbolize "hope for tomorrow" and "looking towards brighter days." those are things i truly want going to college and as i become an adult. i also do love sunshine and the light that Jesus brings to our dark world :)

ok off to do some homework! what do you guys think of tattoos?

song of the week: "you" by switchfoot (yay for "walk to remember" clips :)

hear you me

the post is going to be about everything under the sun

a. johnny d
i was browsing on facebook and learned that a kid from my school, who graduated last year past away. he fell off a roof when he was climbing the roof of a building to see city skyline in boston. i didn't know johnny, but i do remember seeing him in school. reading about him from a newspaper article makes me so sad--he had such a good heart. he was really close to his mom and in the article she mentions how she had bought him a brand new skateboard for graduation. at the skate park, he met a kid who was watching, fascinated at all the boarders. after talking to the kid for a bit, johnny gave away from new skateboard, seeing that the kid needed it more than he did. i feel like God constantly is teaching me sacrifice--like i can't imagine just giving away a bag or sweater someone has just bought me...i mean i could do it, but not willingly. his mom also mentions how when she would ask him why he had to take so many risks, he would say "you only have one life, mom. you can't be afraid to live." hmm i think that is true, we really hold ourselves back a lot b/c we're afraid of other's opinions and the unknown. ah i guess there needs to be balance? like risking things that are worth it? i know johnny wasn't a christian so i don't know what to pray for b/c it's too late...i guess i can pray for peace for his mom. it must be really rough b/c she raised him by herself and he was her only son...

b. fantastick's
i watched it with christine cho and it is an awesome play. it shows how love is something that often needs to be fought for--it's purest form doesn't come without trials.

c. marijuana
in my intro to soc class at umass lowell, we talked about massachusetts ballot question number 2- the decriminalization of marijuana. i honestly think the initiative isn't really restricting anything b/c you can possess an ounce or less and with that much, you're most likely going to sell it. i've always have though that pot was bad b/c it was expensive and addictive. EVERYONE in the class was for the decriminalization or even the legalization of marijuana. their arguments were actually really convincing- it would save the state $130 million, police could focus on more serious crime, and i would keep the records of those who are caught with marijuana clean (often times these offenses keep people from getting jobs even though their offense was minor and a long time ago). there are a lot of people including the brookline police dept. that are in support of this as shown in its passage. i was a bit surprise, but the coalitions for this initiative have spent A LOT of money and i'm guess a lot of young people voted for this. i also learned that marijuana isn't that expensive--it's like $6 a gram and it's not addictive (but then why do people keep doing it?). i also learned that why people do it is b/c it's "relaxing" and distorts things in good ways.

ok i did not succeed in writing everything i wanted to, but i love weddings! last weekend, phil wickham as well as my cousin got married :) i'm leaving for florida now for my brother's wedding, but i shall finish my thought later.

and the highlight of my week: the lee's are moving back!!! :)

this is my prayer in the desert

"desert song" by hillsong united is such an amazing song. it's performed by brooke fraser and jill mcloughry of the hillsong church. God truly does have the victory in trial. i realize that i need to learn to rejoice through all circumstances and that i always have reason to worship. like when i think about it all my trial have been soo trivial compared to what others have been thru. in that video clip, jill mcloughry talks about how she lost her pre-mature baby just over a week before she had to record this album. i can't imagine her pain...like why would God make you go thru 6 months of pregnancy and joy just to end it. jill's words are really powerful "my circumstance in this season doesn't change--that God is still God. it doesn't change what God's called me to be or what he's called me to do. and he's still on the throne in heaven; and He still rules; and he's still bigger than anything i'm facing." i really pray that i'll have that type of faith as i'm being refined.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

open up my eyes to the things unseen

so when i usually journal my prayers, i try to follow ACTS (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication). i like to fill up a whole notebook page every time i write, so when i can't think of anything else to say to God, i usually take something from a song. ok haha so the bridge from "hosanna" is wordy and so i use it a lot. "heal my heart and make it clean/open up my eyes to the things unseen/show me how to love like you have loved me/break my heart for what breaks yours/everything i am for your kingdom's cause/as i walk from earth into eternity. i think that God has slowlyyy been opening up my eyes to the things unseen, but it hasn't been pretty.

today in sociology at UML, we watched a documentary called "waging a living." it basically highlighted poverty in america. those who make minimum wage truly struggle to make ends meet. often times people who live in poverty are single parents, who can't pursue further education because they have children who they need to take care o and provide for. one of the subjects that the documentary followed was a woman who works as a nursing assistant at an elderly home. she supports three kids andd four grandkids! one of her daughter has cancer that's terminal andd has no health insurance. so this woman works overtime and experiences emotional, physical, and psychological fatigue.

the other story was about another single mom who has five kids and only made $8.25 an hour. i can imagine how that's a struggle to make end's meet- i make more than that for tutoring! i admire this woman so much--she's a full time mom, employee, AND student. i always complain that school is stressful, but is 43892438494324893 times more stressful--she barely has time to study because she has to take care of her kids and work 40 hrs. it's pretty much an endless cycle until she gets her degree and can get a better job with benefits (she spent $200 for allergy medicine for her son!). so later in the documentary, she gets a $2.75 raise andd the government takes away so much of its aid that it was better to make less after all.

the third woman in the documentary wasn't in poverty--she was middle class (nice house, nice car), but is undergoing a bitter divorce. her husband must have had a really good job b/c she never had to work or pursue more education, but when he left, she had nothing. she raises her three kids and works as a waitress. though she has tips, she only makes $2.18 an hour! waitressing isn't exactly full of certainty b/c everything on the customers (if there are any at all). this woman has $12,000 in debt for the divorce (why is the legal process of a divorce so freaking expensive?)andd like $15,000 in credit card debt for her house, car, and other expenses. thenn her 8 year old son, who probably is hurting a lot, is crazy and like tries to hit his mom.

ok this is getting sooo long, but the bottom lining is that i realized how hard life is for so many people. i truly broke my heart hearing all these stories. the first woman, who is a somewhat devoted catholic said that she felt that God had neglected her. if i was in her situation, i'd honestly feel the same way. it's so easy for us to say that "God has a plan for each one of us and puts us in our circumstances we're in for a purpose," but when you have the constant worry of not being able to pay for things like electricity or school supplies from your kids--it's a different story. i guess you could say that God puts the fortunate in their places to help those in need ("freely you have received, freely give" matt. 10:8) but how many of us continuously do? all these women are pretty much in the same nightmare that never ends. and their kids will be in the same condition unless they can afford the money and time for college.

i am so thankful that God has blessed me with so much that i can go to college and that my parents are together and aren't living "paycheck to paycheck." God definitely convicted me on my lifestyle--i'm extremely selfish and materialistic. i spend so much time and money on things that bring temporal happiness, when so many people are struggling to survive. i know God wants me to act upon injustice and start with small things, like changing myself before i try to change others. i truly want to try to use my money for God and for people in need, as opposed to things that i don't need for myself.

in "blue like jazz," donald talks about one of his friend's penny. he respects penny because she truly believes in what she says and lives according to it. he talked about how penny hadn't bought any clothes for a whole year and how he admired that. i'm going to try that, it's definitely not going to be easy for me b/c haha sometimes i think i'm a compulsive shopper. anyways, i know that God can give me the strength to do so!

song of the day: "hear you me" by jimmy eat world :)

cats and parenting

so a few weeks ago, my family got a cat! his name is trooper and he's 9 normal years old, but apparently 52 in cat years. we got him from my mom's friend (mrs. lam) and he's been a lot of fun :) ok so my family's history of pets: probably 30 fish, 4 parakeets, and 3 turtles. unfortunately, all those pets are now dead. trooper is our first interactive pet and i've definitely learned a lot about responsibility from him.

after the first couple days with him, i realized trooper seems to have rabid hunger. he always jumps on the counter where we hold the food and tries to eat corn chips or any other food in the kitchen. i guess we either don't feed him enough or he's a rebel without a cause. pretty much everytime he does something bad (like knocking over and spilling the huge tupperware of his food and eating liberally), we have to spray him. according to mrs. christine cho, you spray from the back so cats think it's divine intervention- it rains everytime they do something bad. trooper has been sprayed about 20 times so far haha, and my mom has been disciplining him like crazy. she yells at him in chinese and it's almost nice having trooper around- he experiences 1/2 of the rage that might have been intended for me. one of the things i didn't like about with being the only kid at home was that my parents now solely focus on me. andd therefore, i get in trouble and scolded 4x more than i used to. thanks for trooper that has been cut in half.

speaking of discipline, i adore kids. i truly hope i turn out to be a good parent and that i make my kids want to love God more. i love my parents and am sincerely thankful for them, but i honestly hope i don’t follow their steps with parenting. ahh, but then it scares me when people say that no matter how much you fight it, there are things that pass on from generation. i pray to God that i will be an understanding parent, who my children feel comfortable sharing anything with and who can admit failure to. i also hope that i won’t hurt my kids through hypocrisy or by my words.

anyways, parenting is a long way off, but i like to think of baby names—ari, madelyn, noah, and josiah. i always have loved how those names sounds, but i never knew the meanings. ari is hebrew and means “lion”—i guess i do want my child to be courageous and fierce like a lion haha. madelyn means “woman of magdala”; according to wikipedia, magdala was where Jesus’ boat headed towards after he fed the 4,000. noah means rest and peace andd i would want my son to have faith like noah in the bible. and finally, josiah means “God will save,” which is so so true. i’m listening to “mighty to save” right now :) alright i should go study for stats and espanol b/c i'm not doing so hot in them!

homecoming

i've decided to blog regularly to be able to reflect on things and keep people updated more easily. so today i went to my first football game everrr. so i went to dinner and had a lovely chat with a friend beforehand so i wasn't super excited for it.

i think football games are more about the time you spend with friends at school than supporting the football team. it was REALLY cold--i have a new respect for cheerleaders who only wear spandex under their uniforms. i was really surprised who the homecoming queen was, but i'm glad that homecoming court was diverse with two white, one black, one asian, and one hispanic girl! one of the girls in the homecoming court is in the lyceum andd band--she marched in her dress! i honestly probably only watched 1/4 of the game, but i was glad lowell won! they played haverhill and won 14-12. i'd really go to a game every week if it wasn't for LYF, but LYF has a very large and special place in my heart :) ah i wish i had been at lyf during retreat reflection stuff!

i truly love my school friends--they have good hearts and are sometimes the most selfless people i know. ah i really wish they knew Jesus and i know i should be doing more to show them His love. i only have 7 months left with them so i should make the most of them. tomorrow i have absolutely no commitments--i'm excited to spend time with God, finishing school and college work and cleaning!

p.s. everyone should listen to "can i stay here forever?" by starfield!

live to tie

lyf retreat has always had a special place in my heart. it was during my first one that God became real to me. i realized that my faith was meant to be a 24/7 love relationship with Jesus. six years seriously goes by so fast! i can't believe this was my last one, but i definitely loved it and learned a lot.

planning is always stressful for me b/c if something goes wrong, it's my fault. i'm not sure if a lot of things turned out as i expected, but it was being on planning team that forced me to pray. too often, i want things, but never ask for them from God. i think it was through working with other lyfers with planning that i really got to know others and was pushed to my limits (in a good way :) sometimes i think my heart's like a bottle and the love i have is like water--i was only made with a certain amount. coming into lyf retreat, i wasn't sure how much love, patience, and energy i had left, but God definitely came through and Bum's messages about sacrificial love really resounded.

i guess with friends, i always do except something back. i always do want someone who listens, understands, is funny, crazy, and charming. it's hard to give, without receiving. i always expect something for my whether it's affirmation, gratitude, or returned love. it's hard for me to love a friend in particular, who's struggling with something and i don't know what to do to help her and i don't see any result of my love. i feel like God put her in my life so I can truly show her who Jesus is by loving her sacrificially.

i haven't had the best relationship with my parents. i know i've been their most challenging child because i can be pretty stubborn at times. hm...i think i have trouble with respecting and abiding by authority. i think that's because i've felt that authority has been wrong at times and that's hurt me. another thing i realize is that i struggle with being honest with my parents about who i hang out with and where/what i'm doing. my parents have always shown my love both in their actions and words, but it's always been difficult to show them my imperfections. writing a letter to my parents, where i confessed a lot was healing for me.

the session on dating relationships was at first a bit uncomfortable for me, but then i realized how it was good for lyf. romantic relationships are inevitable so i think it's good to be grounded even if its early. one thing i realized is that i'm nowhere ready for a relationship because i'm going to join an asian nunnery with blair and victoria lee will live nearby. haha jk, but i just see that God needs to work in me a lot more. i haven't achieved sacrificial love and don't know about who i am.

i truly value every conversation i had this weekend. i really see that there is a lot of love in our youth group and passion for Jesus and that makes me so happy. i am sad that in 7-ish months i won't be a lyfer, but i'm so excited to see where God takes lyf in the years to come--there's so much potential :) i really believe that if the younger lyfers give whole-heartedly respond to the vision God has for our youth group, they'll surpass all the things I or past LYFers ever did.

i loved loved loved my small group. we all had different personalities, but everyone was such a sweetheart. we didn't get thru all our notebook questions, but i definitely learned a lot about my small group through them :)

high ropes were reallyy scary, but i'm just glad i finished it. lol i pretty much prayed the whole time. i liked the low ropes course a lot better b/c it was interactive and collaborative. skits were scandalous, but superr funny.

coming back home, i realized how much i love lyf. i'm still figuring a lot of things out, but God has been faithful! so whenever life gets overwhelming, i always want to become amish--where life seems so simple. however, v always reminds me that amish people have problems too. God's slowly teaching me that thru Him i really can get through everything. anyways, i hope these things that God has put on our hearts, the relationships we have built or reconciled never die.

tangents: i love starfield, they never fail to have songs that say what's on my heart!

summer is here!

this year has gone by soo fast, but i really loved it. it was reallyy stressful like academically, spiritually, and haha relationally, but i made it through. i think my only regret, with college applications in the near future, is that i didn't do my best at school. i've decided that i really do want to go to northwestern. visiting there, i really felt at home and i loved seeing the fellowship really engage the campus. mm i don't know i guess i'll just pray that if it's where God wants me to go, i'll get in!

i'm going to organize the schools i am most likely applying to:

safety's: syracuse, wheaton, BU
realistic's: george washington, american, NYU, tufts
reach's: georgetown, usc, northwestern


it has been so much less stressful :) this week has been amazingly fun. i really love my friends.


monday, i went to nadiah's surprise going away party. and the lyceum is a great place, there is so much love. at first i thought it was going to be wicked awkward with some of the people we don't usually hang out with there. we all reallyy bonded, even though it was kinda dirty at times haha. i am excited for a senior year full of gravitas, dignitas, and veritas lol.



on tuesday, i went to hang out with my two favorite G's, keith and sam. we went shopping and played pool at boston bowl, where we met up with mena. this was also the day that the celtics won the nba championships! :)


wednesday, i hung out with the coolest family in weston. tiff was getting ready for her semi and then v and i went to the natick collection. we ate amazing crepes
and gelato then watch kung fu panda, the best movie everrr, with gordon and amanda.



on the morning, v and i went to bostonn on the train. we wore our shirts and green eyeliner! we met up with nathan and kei-fu for dim sum. thenn saw the celtics with a tonn of ppl! after we met up with sunny d and his friends and shopped. after v and i went to kumon and the yuen's for dinner. after eating a tonn, v, nathan, and i walked to cvs. we also bought some cool shades from newbury comics. we had an eventful walk back home and watched "welcome home, roscoe jenkins." then v dyed my hair ahaha you can't tell, but it was exciting and we watched some of xmen 3.


friday, in the a.m., nathan, v, and i met up with blair, victor, tak, and katie. we went to dim sum and met up with brian and andrew lai,victoria and justin hum, sam, and keith. after shopping in downtown and walking through the commons, we went to boston bowl. we played some intense bowling (with free socks!) and pool haha. after v, n, and i went back to cambridge and haha had no money to ride the bus. thank God for kind people, after we ate dinner and went to church! there weren't as many kids at lyf b/c of mando retreat, buut the game and small group were really fun :)

on friday night, i found out i got into the tufts program, with a full scholarship! my course is every monday and wednesday, but i'm doing other college prep workshops on mondays and thursday. God definitely provides :)


today, i walked and met up w/ v and she made lovely pancakes at my house. after we went to el pollo loco for mexican food. jordan is such a cutie. after, i went home, napped, and went to meadowland's ice cream with christine cho. i'm watching "day after tomorrow" right now and haha it's a bit scary with the reality of global warming. i want to have a "camp rock" party tomorrow! alrighty i'm going to clean my room now :)



i know summer has just started, but i should get a start on summer homework and college/scholarship apps! i will def try to post more frequently too :)

birthdays, movies, dresses, hunger

i have pretty much an amazing weekend. i spent it with some of my favoritest people :) this is going to be a long post!

on friday i didn't have to go to school b/c i took the apush exam. overall, i thin i did alright. multiple choice and the DBQ weren't horrible, but by the time it came for the open responses, i was drained. so for the question about how the relations b/w american indians and european settlers shaped the different cultures, i pretty much made up things about thanksgiving and pocahontas. the second open response was on the south post-reconstruction and i was really general and wrote horrendously



after i went home, i watched too many episodes of america's next top model andd then we to church. at lyf, i lead small group discussion and i must say that i do love small group chocho. although we all have ADD, we all genuinely care about each other and are friends. to be honest it was challenging leading b/c i hadn't read over the lesson and christine asked me to lead right after games. we talked about social justice and myanmar. it was hard b/c i don't know if i truly have a heart and compassion for the people there.

i think this goes with raising money for 30 hr famine. i haven't raised anything yet, but i plan to go all out tomorrow haha. but i realized i need to have the right heart and mind set. that i'm not doing this b/c it's a nice thing to do/i'm obligated/everyone else is doing it, but it's want God's called us to do. we're called to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give shelter to the homeless. our lives our for Christ and if everything is "for His kingdom's cause" i think it changes how we live and i guess how we raise money too!



so i had social celebration of my 17th year on saturday. first, christine, katie, alice, faith, and karen met up at my house and we went to boston to meet up with esther and the victorias. we shopped at downtown crossing and fanueil hall, then we made cards with mai ib and yee, and after we had food. thenn we watched 27 dresses :) being the ridiculous characters we are, blair, victoria lee, and i made a scandalous video jk. just a crazy/silly one where we attempted to be AGG. then v and i saw the "sunrise" in my backyard in sleeping bags. with the 40 degree weather, it was a pretty good time. after going on a bit of a cleaning raid, i crashed at 7. waking at like 2 hours later, i had some delicious pancakes and went to church.



after church, i had lunch with matt and eunice at panera. then we went prom dress shopping :) it was pretty painless. i walked through the mall and only bought a clutch. haha so eunice got a wicked bad foot cramp so matt got a wheelchair for her. when i was wheeling her around, i noticed people were especially nice to us. our final stop was david's bridal andd i only tried on two dresses. the dress i wanted originally didn't like as nice in person :( the color was really dark and the dress is reallyyy poofy. soo i ended getting this dress that might be a bridesmaid dress, but it was on sale and it was green (two pluses)!



my mom's in canada so we didn't really get to celebrate mother's day, but we went out for mexican as a family :) i pretty much got 10 hrs of sleep to make up from the previous night andd took a 2 hr nap today so i'm holding up alright.

going back to school wasn't too bad, it's so much more relaxing without calc and history :) i can't wait for summer! alright off to homework.

build me up, buttercup

ok after taking a five month blogging hiatus or more like being lazy... i've decided to regularly post :)

i think this will be my new year's resolution... and new year as in turning 17 :)

right now i'm at the umass lowell library and i'm 13 minutes late for my college writing class. patrick chhoy needs to learn how to not procrastinate and write papers at least on the day their due, not two days after!

i took the ap calc exam today- my thoughts, multiple choice: bueno, part A: open response: ehh, part B: what the heck are they asking?! buut i'm glad i'll never hopefully have to look at calculus again in my life. i'm taking ap stats next year and hopefully i don't have to take math in college.

speaking of college, i can't believe a year from now i'll know where i'll be going to college! it is a scary thought. i have an idea of what i want to do/where i want to go, but i don't exactly know why i do. i've always wanted to be a teacher, but after talking to my frosh science teacher- i realized you can always go back to teaching. i do really like that teacher and value his opinion, but i don't know if i should let that interfere with me following my dream i've had since i pretty much was 3 haha. noww i want to study international relations, travel, and help stop things like genocide. after i get married and have kids, i'll teach third grade. so i guess this is my plan for my perfect life, but life's not perfect andd i'm not sure if it's what God wants me to do.

patrick's finallyy printing his paper so i think i'm going to class 21 minutes late. it's a beautiful day- enjoy it! :)

everything is beautiful

But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everthing

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

i love starfield, they're music and lyrics are amazing. hmm i think "everything is beautiful" is one of those songs i can listen to 3849023493 times and still not get sick of. i don't know it just really reminds me that God's there even when things are going terribly wrong and his love makes everything beautiful

ok i'm going to talk about my day. it was nice weather :) so last night at 9, my mom calls me down and tells me that my teacher called and left a message. and i just assume that she's talking about my drivers ed instructor b/c that's the only teacher who would call me. so i listen to the message and it's my bio teacher saying she needs to "talk to me about an urgent matter regarding my quarterly exam" and she leaves her number for me to call back. so i'm a bit apprehensive b/c the only reason i can think of her calling me is if she thinks i cheated on the exam or something horrible like that, but it turns out that my in-class essay was missing. when she told me this i thought about it and i realized that i must have thought it was my rough draft of my at-home essay was my in-class essay so when i swamped my final and typed at-home essay i took the wrong one and recycled it. so i told my bio teacher this and she basically says that the essay is like 25 points on my quarterly exam and she'll grade it if i can find it from where i recycled it and give it to her in the morning andd if not it'll be " a learning experience." k so this morning in advisory, i pretty much combed thru the recycling bins of my history, english, calc, and stats classes. andd thank God i found it in my stat class recycling bin! moral of this story: read carefully and recycle! well read carefully so you don't make stupid mistakes like i did and recycle your essays and recycle b/c it saves the environment and if you're ever in the dilemma i was in, searching thru recycling bins is 48394 times less gross than searching thru trashcans

we had a practice evacuation and what i learned from it is that it takes an hour and half to get 4,000 kids to walk up the street at sit in an arena. but i got to miss a class and a half which as nice :) my school is like OVERLY heated like my eyes start watering it's so hot sometimes. the rest of my day was bueno and i didn't go to college writing today b/c we weren't really going to have class today. the author of the book we're reading "the bones of the earth" gave a talk at umasslowell and so a bunch of college writing classes were going to it. patrick said it was boring and that the highlight was free cookies so i'm kinda glad i missed out. i got tutoring at my school library for calc, lol this is like my fifth time getting tutored, i've become a regular. it's kinda sad b/c only the ghetto kids go and get tutored, but oh well.

i got home around 3 and cleaned for a couple hours for my aunt. it was my first time really meeting her and she's nice. her husband's friendly too, he ran a marathon in ny over the weekend (i think) and my aunt said it was his third marathon this year and he ran it in like 5 hrs. i can't imagine running a marathon...26 miles! gosh i think running a mile is painful and i'm 16 so when i'm 60 i swear i'll already be in a wheelchair or something. hmm so my aunt talked to me about how she was a teacher in LA. i've always thought teachers got paid badly, but she said that teachers get paid decently there. she also asked me if i talk to her kids and i told her not really b/c they're like matt and eunice's ages. my uncle and her have been divorced for awhile and she told me how she rarely sees her daughter and that her youngest son hasn't seen or spoken to her in 4 years. i think that's so sad... i can't imagine being so bitter/having so much anger and hate towards my mom that i wouldn't even see her. and i can't imagine what it's like knowing someone feels that way towards you. i've realized that one of my biggest fears is getting divorced.

well this post is quite long and i should be really doing my homework or my devoes. i think we're going to eat at viet-thai for dinner so i'm pretty excited for that! bye now.

overflow

there is nothing i can do
than only stand amazed by You
immersing You with everyday
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need

i love that song. i really felt peace and assurance from that song, the first time in a week. i've been feeing so distracted this week, hmm... i guess to relate to sunday's sermon- i feel like i've lost God. i don't know what i'm doing and why i'm doing things half the time for GF and christian club. i've also been really anxious; i think i'm waiting for something from God, maybe change or some type of revelation.

ok i'm going to ramble about my day. yeah don't read this- it'll be really boring/not make sense, i just need to reflect. this morning i was suppose to go to the coffee mill with thalia and karoline and then we were going to decorate nadiah's locker for her birthday on sunday. last night, i slept at 10 and i woke up at 6.30 soo i pretty much got ready reallyy fast and tried to figure out how to wrap the straightener i bought for nadiah. i ended decorating a brown paper bag (she always makes fun of how i'm "environmentally conscious"). i didn't go to the coffee mill and i didn't decorate her locker, hopefully it'll work out on monday. i absolutely didn't do anything productive yesterday- i worked, ate, checked email, hable con victoria, and slept. i should've went to the college fair, but apparently no good schools are there. i think i'm being overly concerned about college- i've picked/found all the date for my sat's, sat's II's, and ap's, picked my schedule for next year, and have a list of schools i want to apply to (so far bc, bu, tufts, uc berkeley, usc). i've been thinking about christian schools and i decided i don't want to go to one- maybe b/c all my sibs went to one? maybe b/c it would be more challenging. i love boston, but part of me wants to go far away , where no one knows me and where the weather's nice. k back to my day, it was pretty easy- i did a lab in bio, watched wizard of oz in history, no lesson in stat, sub in english, and review and game in clase de espanol. my group/i cheated in the game and pretended i wrote hicieron right, i feel bad- it's was just one bonus point. after school, i went to christian club- it was a small group b/c we weren't even supposed to meet, but there was a bomb threat on wednesday afterschool so they didn't meet. we just prayed, i feel like we're mucho disorganized and that our club is very undiverse. beatrice was really encouraging as she reminded me how there's really a spiritual battle going on and that fasting and prayer's the only thing that's going to keep us going. afterschool, i checked email, napped, showered; i really should've done hw. i went to church w/ the mac's, i should have done stuff for gf, but i didn't feel like it/didn't have the motivation. small group was ok, but i didn't feel challenged. my group talks too much/has ADD and william was too nice to us. i def was distracted and didn't really open my heart to the lesson. and we're ridiculously messy. after i chilled w/ victoria and played a bit of guitar (i really want to play more and get better!) and i didn't meet with my accountability groups :( in general, i had a kinda crappy day- i didn't spend time w/ God, exercise, do work, eat healthy, or build people up. highlight- praying w/ alice. ahh i don't know how the gf thing is going to work- why didn't i think about how we're going to get all the things and get into church. i really wish there were people to help/care. i don't know i just feel like everything- my relationships (w/ God, family, friends), academics, health, work, budget, christian club, gf, lyf, counselor appreciation is just barely there- there's much needed improvement on my part. i don't why it's hard for me to give them to God and to stop relying on myself.

i realize that i always try to satisfy myself with things and relationship, but only God can. when will i learn ever learn this? why am i so weak? jesus, i really need more of you. thank you for taking me "as you find me all my fears and failures, fill my life again." God, i pray that i may have "a thirst for discipline and hunger for things that are deeper."

alright i'm going to do some hw, clean, and sleep. i hope the GF event happens and turns out ok.