everything is beautiful

But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everthing

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

i love starfield, they're music and lyrics are amazing. hmm i think "everything is beautiful" is one of those songs i can listen to 3849023493 times and still not get sick of. i don't know it just really reminds me that God's there even when things are going terribly wrong and his love makes everything beautiful

ok i'm going to talk about my day. it was nice weather :) so last night at 9, my mom calls me down and tells me that my teacher called and left a message. and i just assume that she's talking about my drivers ed instructor b/c that's the only teacher who would call me. so i listen to the message and it's my bio teacher saying she needs to "talk to me about an urgent matter regarding my quarterly exam" and she leaves her number for me to call back. so i'm a bit apprehensive b/c the only reason i can think of her calling me is if she thinks i cheated on the exam or something horrible like that, but it turns out that my in-class essay was missing. when she told me this i thought about it and i realized that i must have thought it was my rough draft of my at-home essay was my in-class essay so when i swamped my final and typed at-home essay i took the wrong one and recycled it. so i told my bio teacher this and she basically says that the essay is like 25 points on my quarterly exam and she'll grade it if i can find it from where i recycled it and give it to her in the morning andd if not it'll be " a learning experience." k so this morning in advisory, i pretty much combed thru the recycling bins of my history, english, calc, and stats classes. andd thank God i found it in my stat class recycling bin! moral of this story: read carefully and recycle! well read carefully so you don't make stupid mistakes like i did and recycle your essays and recycle b/c it saves the environment and if you're ever in the dilemma i was in, searching thru recycling bins is 48394 times less gross than searching thru trashcans

we had a practice evacuation and what i learned from it is that it takes an hour and half to get 4,000 kids to walk up the street at sit in an arena. but i got to miss a class and a half which as nice :) my school is like OVERLY heated like my eyes start watering it's so hot sometimes. the rest of my day was bueno and i didn't go to college writing today b/c we weren't really going to have class today. the author of the book we're reading "the bones of the earth" gave a talk at umasslowell and so a bunch of college writing classes were going to it. patrick said it was boring and that the highlight was free cookies so i'm kinda glad i missed out. i got tutoring at my school library for calc, lol this is like my fifth time getting tutored, i've become a regular. it's kinda sad b/c only the ghetto kids go and get tutored, but oh well.

i got home around 3 and cleaned for a couple hours for my aunt. it was my first time really meeting her and she's nice. her husband's friendly too, he ran a marathon in ny over the weekend (i think) and my aunt said it was his third marathon this year and he ran it in like 5 hrs. i can't imagine running a marathon...26 miles! gosh i think running a mile is painful and i'm 16 so when i'm 60 i swear i'll already be in a wheelchair or something. hmm so my aunt talked to me about how she was a teacher in LA. i've always thought teachers got paid badly, but she said that teachers get paid decently there. she also asked me if i talk to her kids and i told her not really b/c they're like matt and eunice's ages. my uncle and her have been divorced for awhile and she told me how she rarely sees her daughter and that her youngest son hasn't seen or spoken to her in 4 years. i think that's so sad... i can't imagine being so bitter/having so much anger and hate towards my mom that i wouldn't even see her. and i can't imagine what it's like knowing someone feels that way towards you. i've realized that one of my biggest fears is getting divorced.

well this post is quite long and i should be really doing my homework or my devoes. i think we're going to eat at viet-thai for dinner so i'm pretty excited for that! bye now.

overflow

there is nothing i can do
than only stand amazed by You
immersing You with everyday
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need

i love that song. i really felt peace and assurance from that song, the first time in a week. i've been feeing so distracted this week, hmm... i guess to relate to sunday's sermon- i feel like i've lost God. i don't know what i'm doing and why i'm doing things half the time for GF and christian club. i've also been really anxious; i think i'm waiting for something from God, maybe change or some type of revelation.

ok i'm going to ramble about my day. yeah don't read this- it'll be really boring/not make sense, i just need to reflect. this morning i was suppose to go to the coffee mill with thalia and karoline and then we were going to decorate nadiah's locker for her birthday on sunday. last night, i slept at 10 and i woke up at 6.30 soo i pretty much got ready reallyy fast and tried to figure out how to wrap the straightener i bought for nadiah. i ended decorating a brown paper bag (she always makes fun of how i'm "environmentally conscious"). i didn't go to the coffee mill and i didn't decorate her locker, hopefully it'll work out on monday. i absolutely didn't do anything productive yesterday- i worked, ate, checked email, hable con victoria, and slept. i should've went to the college fair, but apparently no good schools are there. i think i'm being overly concerned about college- i've picked/found all the date for my sat's, sat's II's, and ap's, picked my schedule for next year, and have a list of schools i want to apply to (so far bc, bu, tufts, uc berkeley, usc). i've been thinking about christian schools and i decided i don't want to go to one- maybe b/c all my sibs went to one? maybe b/c it would be more challenging. i love boston, but part of me wants to go far away , where no one knows me and where the weather's nice. k back to my day, it was pretty easy- i did a lab in bio, watched wizard of oz in history, no lesson in stat, sub in english, and review and game in clase de espanol. my group/i cheated in the game and pretended i wrote hicieron right, i feel bad- it's was just one bonus point. after school, i went to christian club- it was a small group b/c we weren't even supposed to meet, but there was a bomb threat on wednesday afterschool so they didn't meet. we just prayed, i feel like we're mucho disorganized and that our club is very undiverse. beatrice was really encouraging as she reminded me how there's really a spiritual battle going on and that fasting and prayer's the only thing that's going to keep us going. afterschool, i checked email, napped, showered; i really should've done hw. i went to church w/ the mac's, i should have done stuff for gf, but i didn't feel like it/didn't have the motivation. small group was ok, but i didn't feel challenged. my group talks too much/has ADD and william was too nice to us. i def was distracted and didn't really open my heart to the lesson. and we're ridiculously messy. after i chilled w/ victoria and played a bit of guitar (i really want to play more and get better!) and i didn't meet with my accountability groups :( in general, i had a kinda crappy day- i didn't spend time w/ God, exercise, do work, eat healthy, or build people up. highlight- praying w/ alice. ahh i don't know how the gf thing is going to work- why didn't i think about how we're going to get all the things and get into church. i really wish there were people to help/care. i don't know i just feel like everything- my relationships (w/ God, family, friends), academics, health, work, budget, christian club, gf, lyf, counselor appreciation is just barely there- there's much needed improvement on my part. i don't why it's hard for me to give them to God and to stop relying on myself.

i realize that i always try to satisfy myself with things and relationship, but only God can. when will i learn ever learn this? why am i so weak? jesus, i really need more of you. thank you for taking me "as you find me all my fears and failures, fill my life again." God, i pray that i may have "a thirst for discipline and hunger for things that are deeper."

alright i'm going to do some hw, clean, and sleep. i hope the GF event happens and turns out ok.