overflow

there is nothing i can do
than only stand amazed by You
immersing You with everyday
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need

i love that song. i really felt peace and assurance from that song, the first time in a week. i've been feeing so distracted this week, hmm... i guess to relate to sunday's sermon- i feel like i've lost God. i don't know what i'm doing and why i'm doing things half the time for GF and christian club. i've also been really anxious; i think i'm waiting for something from God, maybe change or some type of revelation.

ok i'm going to ramble about my day. yeah don't read this- it'll be really boring/not make sense, i just need to reflect. this morning i was suppose to go to the coffee mill with thalia and karoline and then we were going to decorate nadiah's locker for her birthday on sunday. last night, i slept at 10 and i woke up at 6.30 soo i pretty much got ready reallyy fast and tried to figure out how to wrap the straightener i bought for nadiah. i ended decorating a brown paper bag (she always makes fun of how i'm "environmentally conscious"). i didn't go to the coffee mill and i didn't decorate her locker, hopefully it'll work out on monday. i absolutely didn't do anything productive yesterday- i worked, ate, checked email, hable con victoria, and slept. i should've went to the college fair, but apparently no good schools are there. i think i'm being overly concerned about college- i've picked/found all the date for my sat's, sat's II's, and ap's, picked my schedule for next year, and have a list of schools i want to apply to (so far bc, bu, tufts, uc berkeley, usc). i've been thinking about christian schools and i decided i don't want to go to one- maybe b/c all my sibs went to one? maybe b/c it would be more challenging. i love boston, but part of me wants to go far away , where no one knows me and where the weather's nice. k back to my day, it was pretty easy- i did a lab in bio, watched wizard of oz in history, no lesson in stat, sub in english, and review and game in clase de espanol. my group/i cheated in the game and pretended i wrote hicieron right, i feel bad- it's was just one bonus point. after school, i went to christian club- it was a small group b/c we weren't even supposed to meet, but there was a bomb threat on wednesday afterschool so they didn't meet. we just prayed, i feel like we're mucho disorganized and that our club is very undiverse. beatrice was really encouraging as she reminded me how there's really a spiritual battle going on and that fasting and prayer's the only thing that's going to keep us going. afterschool, i checked email, napped, showered; i really should've done hw. i went to church w/ the mac's, i should have done stuff for gf, but i didn't feel like it/didn't have the motivation. small group was ok, but i didn't feel challenged. my group talks too much/has ADD and william was too nice to us. i def was distracted and didn't really open my heart to the lesson. and we're ridiculously messy. after i chilled w/ victoria and played a bit of guitar (i really want to play more and get better!) and i didn't meet with my accountability groups :( in general, i had a kinda crappy day- i didn't spend time w/ God, exercise, do work, eat healthy, or build people up. highlight- praying w/ alice. ahh i don't know how the gf thing is going to work- why didn't i think about how we're going to get all the things and get into church. i really wish there were people to help/care. i don't know i just feel like everything- my relationships (w/ God, family, friends), academics, health, work, budget, christian club, gf, lyf, counselor appreciation is just barely there- there's much needed improvement on my part. i don't why it's hard for me to give them to God and to stop relying on myself.

i realize that i always try to satisfy myself with things and relationship, but only God can. when will i learn ever learn this? why am i so weak? jesus, i really need more of you. thank you for taking me "as you find me all my fears and failures, fill my life again." God, i pray that i may have "a thirst for discipline and hunger for things that are deeper."

alright i'm going to do some hw, clean, and sleep. i hope the GF event happens and turns out ok.