this is my prayer in the desert

"desert song" by hillsong united is such an amazing song. it's performed by brooke fraser and jill mcloughry of the hillsong church. God truly does have the victory in trial. i realize that i need to learn to rejoice through all circumstances and that i always have reason to worship. like when i think about it all my trial have been soo trivial compared to what others have been thru. in that video clip, jill mcloughry talks about how she lost her pre-mature baby just over a week before she had to record this album. i can't imagine her pain...like why would God make you go thru 6 months of pregnancy and joy just to end it. jill's words are really powerful "my circumstance in this season doesn't change--that God is still God. it doesn't change what God's called me to be or what he's called me to do. and he's still on the throne in heaven; and He still rules; and he's still bigger than anything i'm facing." i really pray that i'll have that type of faith as i'm being refined.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

open up my eyes to the things unseen

so when i usually journal my prayers, i try to follow ACTS (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication). i like to fill up a whole notebook page every time i write, so when i can't think of anything else to say to God, i usually take something from a song. ok haha so the bridge from "hosanna" is wordy and so i use it a lot. "heal my heart and make it clean/open up my eyes to the things unseen/show me how to love like you have loved me/break my heart for what breaks yours/everything i am for your kingdom's cause/as i walk from earth into eternity. i think that God has slowlyyy been opening up my eyes to the things unseen, but it hasn't been pretty.

today in sociology at UML, we watched a documentary called "waging a living." it basically highlighted poverty in america. those who make minimum wage truly struggle to make ends meet. often times people who live in poverty are single parents, who can't pursue further education because they have children who they need to take care o and provide for. one of the subjects that the documentary followed was a woman who works as a nursing assistant at an elderly home. she supports three kids andd four grandkids! one of her daughter has cancer that's terminal andd has no health insurance. so this woman works overtime and experiences emotional, physical, and psychological fatigue.

the other story was about another single mom who has five kids and only made $8.25 an hour. i can imagine how that's a struggle to make end's meet- i make more than that for tutoring! i admire this woman so much--she's a full time mom, employee, AND student. i always complain that school is stressful, but is 43892438494324893 times more stressful--she barely has time to study because she has to take care of her kids and work 40 hrs. it's pretty much an endless cycle until she gets her degree and can get a better job with benefits (she spent $200 for allergy medicine for her son!). so later in the documentary, she gets a $2.75 raise andd the government takes away so much of its aid that it was better to make less after all.

the third woman in the documentary wasn't in poverty--she was middle class (nice house, nice car), but is undergoing a bitter divorce. her husband must have had a really good job b/c she never had to work or pursue more education, but when he left, she had nothing. she raises her three kids and works as a waitress. though she has tips, she only makes $2.18 an hour! waitressing isn't exactly full of certainty b/c everything on the customers (if there are any at all). this woman has $12,000 in debt for the divorce (why is the legal process of a divorce so freaking expensive?)andd like $15,000 in credit card debt for her house, car, and other expenses. thenn her 8 year old son, who probably is hurting a lot, is crazy and like tries to hit his mom.

ok this is getting sooo long, but the bottom lining is that i realized how hard life is for so many people. i truly broke my heart hearing all these stories. the first woman, who is a somewhat devoted catholic said that she felt that God had neglected her. if i was in her situation, i'd honestly feel the same way. it's so easy for us to say that "God has a plan for each one of us and puts us in our circumstances we're in for a purpose," but when you have the constant worry of not being able to pay for things like electricity or school supplies from your kids--it's a different story. i guess you could say that God puts the fortunate in their places to help those in need ("freely you have received, freely give" matt. 10:8) but how many of us continuously do? all these women are pretty much in the same nightmare that never ends. and their kids will be in the same condition unless they can afford the money and time for college.

i am so thankful that God has blessed me with so much that i can go to college and that my parents are together and aren't living "paycheck to paycheck." God definitely convicted me on my lifestyle--i'm extremely selfish and materialistic. i spend so much time and money on things that bring temporal happiness, when so many people are struggling to survive. i know God wants me to act upon injustice and start with small things, like changing myself before i try to change others. i truly want to try to use my money for God and for people in need, as opposed to things that i don't need for myself.

in "blue like jazz," donald talks about one of his friend's penny. he respects penny because she truly believes in what she says and lives according to it. he talked about how penny hadn't bought any clothes for a whole year and how he admired that. i'm going to try that, it's definitely not going to be easy for me b/c haha sometimes i think i'm a compulsive shopper. anyways, i know that God can give me the strength to do so!

song of the day: "hear you me" by jimmy eat world :)

cats and parenting

so a few weeks ago, my family got a cat! his name is trooper and he's 9 normal years old, but apparently 52 in cat years. we got him from my mom's friend (mrs. lam) and he's been a lot of fun :) ok so my family's history of pets: probably 30 fish, 4 parakeets, and 3 turtles. unfortunately, all those pets are now dead. trooper is our first interactive pet and i've definitely learned a lot about responsibility from him.

after the first couple days with him, i realized trooper seems to have rabid hunger. he always jumps on the counter where we hold the food and tries to eat corn chips or any other food in the kitchen. i guess we either don't feed him enough or he's a rebel without a cause. pretty much everytime he does something bad (like knocking over and spilling the huge tupperware of his food and eating liberally), we have to spray him. according to mrs. christine cho, you spray from the back so cats think it's divine intervention- it rains everytime they do something bad. trooper has been sprayed about 20 times so far haha, and my mom has been disciplining him like crazy. she yells at him in chinese and it's almost nice having trooper around- he experiences 1/2 of the rage that might have been intended for me. one of the things i didn't like about with being the only kid at home was that my parents now solely focus on me. andd therefore, i get in trouble and scolded 4x more than i used to. thanks for trooper that has been cut in half.

speaking of discipline, i adore kids. i truly hope i turn out to be a good parent and that i make my kids want to love God more. i love my parents and am sincerely thankful for them, but i honestly hope i don’t follow their steps with parenting. ahh, but then it scares me when people say that no matter how much you fight it, there are things that pass on from generation. i pray to God that i will be an understanding parent, who my children feel comfortable sharing anything with and who can admit failure to. i also hope that i won’t hurt my kids through hypocrisy or by my words.

anyways, parenting is a long way off, but i like to think of baby names—ari, madelyn, noah, and josiah. i always have loved how those names sounds, but i never knew the meanings. ari is hebrew and means “lion”—i guess i do want my child to be courageous and fierce like a lion haha. madelyn means “woman of magdala”; according to wikipedia, magdala was where Jesus’ boat headed towards after he fed the 4,000. noah means rest and peace andd i would want my son to have faith like noah in the bible. and finally, josiah means “God will save,” which is so so true. i’m listening to “mighty to save” right now :) alright i should go study for stats and espanol b/c i'm not doing so hot in them!

homecoming

i've decided to blog regularly to be able to reflect on things and keep people updated more easily. so today i went to my first football game everrr. so i went to dinner and had a lovely chat with a friend beforehand so i wasn't super excited for it.

i think football games are more about the time you spend with friends at school than supporting the football team. it was REALLY cold--i have a new respect for cheerleaders who only wear spandex under their uniforms. i was really surprised who the homecoming queen was, but i'm glad that homecoming court was diverse with two white, one black, one asian, and one hispanic girl! one of the girls in the homecoming court is in the lyceum andd band--she marched in her dress! i honestly probably only watched 1/4 of the game, but i was glad lowell won! they played haverhill and won 14-12. i'd really go to a game every week if it wasn't for LYF, but LYF has a very large and special place in my heart :) ah i wish i had been at lyf during retreat reflection stuff!

i truly love my school friends--they have good hearts and are sometimes the most selfless people i know. ah i really wish they knew Jesus and i know i should be doing more to show them His love. i only have 7 months left with them so i should make the most of them. tomorrow i have absolutely no commitments--i'm excited to spend time with God, finishing school and college work and cleaning!

p.s. everyone should listen to "can i stay here forever?" by starfield!

live to tie

lyf retreat has always had a special place in my heart. it was during my first one that God became real to me. i realized that my faith was meant to be a 24/7 love relationship with Jesus. six years seriously goes by so fast! i can't believe this was my last one, but i definitely loved it and learned a lot.

planning is always stressful for me b/c if something goes wrong, it's my fault. i'm not sure if a lot of things turned out as i expected, but it was being on planning team that forced me to pray. too often, i want things, but never ask for them from God. i think it was through working with other lyfers with planning that i really got to know others and was pushed to my limits (in a good way :) sometimes i think my heart's like a bottle and the love i have is like water--i was only made with a certain amount. coming into lyf retreat, i wasn't sure how much love, patience, and energy i had left, but God definitely came through and Bum's messages about sacrificial love really resounded.

i guess with friends, i always do except something back. i always do want someone who listens, understands, is funny, crazy, and charming. it's hard to give, without receiving. i always expect something for my whether it's affirmation, gratitude, or returned love. it's hard for me to love a friend in particular, who's struggling with something and i don't know what to do to help her and i don't see any result of my love. i feel like God put her in my life so I can truly show her who Jesus is by loving her sacrificially.

i haven't had the best relationship with my parents. i know i've been their most challenging child because i can be pretty stubborn at times. hm...i think i have trouble with respecting and abiding by authority. i think that's because i've felt that authority has been wrong at times and that's hurt me. another thing i realize is that i struggle with being honest with my parents about who i hang out with and where/what i'm doing. my parents have always shown my love both in their actions and words, but it's always been difficult to show them my imperfections. writing a letter to my parents, where i confessed a lot was healing for me.

the session on dating relationships was at first a bit uncomfortable for me, but then i realized how it was good for lyf. romantic relationships are inevitable so i think it's good to be grounded even if its early. one thing i realized is that i'm nowhere ready for a relationship because i'm going to join an asian nunnery with blair and victoria lee will live nearby. haha jk, but i just see that God needs to work in me a lot more. i haven't achieved sacrificial love and don't know about who i am.

i truly value every conversation i had this weekend. i really see that there is a lot of love in our youth group and passion for Jesus and that makes me so happy. i am sad that in 7-ish months i won't be a lyfer, but i'm so excited to see where God takes lyf in the years to come--there's so much potential :) i really believe that if the younger lyfers give whole-heartedly respond to the vision God has for our youth group, they'll surpass all the things I or past LYFers ever did.

i loved loved loved my small group. we all had different personalities, but everyone was such a sweetheart. we didn't get thru all our notebook questions, but i definitely learned a lot about my small group through them :)

high ropes were reallyy scary, but i'm just glad i finished it. lol i pretty much prayed the whole time. i liked the low ropes course a lot better b/c it was interactive and collaborative. skits were scandalous, but superr funny.

coming back home, i realized how much i love lyf. i'm still figuring a lot of things out, but God has been faithful! so whenever life gets overwhelming, i always want to become amish--where life seems so simple. however, v always reminds me that amish people have problems too. God's slowly teaching me that thru Him i really can get through everything. anyways, i hope these things that God has put on our hearts, the relationships we have built or reconciled never die.

tangents: i love starfield, they never fail to have songs that say what's on my heart!